The Tattered Tome

After an activity in which we evaluated our Self-Concept during Interpersonal Communication and a rousing discussion during our Study Session, I started driving home. Out of nowhere came the first two lines you will read below. I stopped for milk and other necessities and yet these phrases kept sounding in my head.

So, I sat down at the computer and let the phrases flow and I am amazed at what came about.

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If only everyone else could see me as I see myself

Like a worn and tattered tome on a secondhand bookstore shelf

The jacket that I wear is hiding what is really inside

It only offers me a sense of false and temporary pride

The outside may be clean and dusted, colorful and neat

But underneath the jacket is a history of defeat

The naked bindings of my life

Show many stains of tears, anger, pain and strife

My corners are battered, my edges abused,

And my facade has been negligently misused

Inside are hidden secrets written on pages torn

They are filled with self-recriminations, failures and scorn

Occasional triumphs are recorded, few and far between

Kind words others shared are treasured, make me feel like a queen

If someone were to be allowed to read this shattered account

I am sure they would be surprised at the wasted amount

Of joy that didn’t last long enough, or peace too fleeting

Of the things I allowed to be written, instead of from sin fleeing

If only others could see my life as I really see

Perhaps they would stop judging and just help me become a better me.

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Do you identify with the Book or with the ones to whom the Book is talking to?

I am not sure where I stand, perhaps I identify a little with both parties.

Miracle Received

This weekend my sister and I will be singing a song about a miracle received. Just to give you a short taste of the lyrics, here is a part of the chorus: "If you could see me now, I'm walking streets of gold. If you could see me now, I'm standing strong and whole. If you could see me now, you'd know I've seen His face. If you could see me now, you'd know the pain is erased. You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place. If you could only see me now."

Yes, the much dreaded/anticipated healing has arrived for my Granny. Tonight at 11:16 PM CST she went to be with Jesus, Pawpaw, Uncle Harold, my great grandparents, and many other friends and family members who are worshipping at the feet of Jesus Christ. These worshippers are whole, no longer in pain from their ailments or diseases, and they are basking in the presence of Almighty God.

My sister and I would appreciate your prayers this weekend in behalf of the Chance family. My Granny, W. Frances Chance is now at rest and I won't complain (see previous post) nor cry too many tears because I would NEVER ask her to leave Heaven and her healing just so that I could be with her one more time.

Healing done, miracle received. 

Good Days and Bad Days

The past few days have been difficult, sad days as we have heard more about my Grandmother's illness. My sister and I are dealing with self-recriminations over lack of constant contact with Granny and with a little anger of the fact that we are in California, she is in Arkansas; we have not been moneyed enough to buy tickets for our whole families to regularly visit her; and we are jealous of our cousins who ARE close enough to visit with her. After an intense conversation with my sister this morning and feeling sad because I had gotten to talk with my Grandmother but my sister hasn't, I was walking across the campus parking lot on my way to Algebra when I heard music coming from one of the vehicles. What was so neat about that?

Then I heard the words..."I've had some good days and I've had some hills to climb. I've had some weary days and some lonely nights. But when I look around and I think things all out, all of my good days outweigh the bad days. I won't complain" Immediately, I knew God had allowed me to hear that to help remind me that He is in control and that He loves me. I started crying and called my sister to share the moment with her. I wanted to stand there in the middle of a parking lot, while tears streamed down my face, and just listen. I didn't have to though because I know the words of the chorus: "God is so good to me. So very good to me. More than this world could ever be. God is so good, I won't complain." This has been a song that has blessed me more times than I can count yet here I was complaining and focusing on the problems I faced.

I am truly blessed today. God is SO good to me. He loves my grandmother and knows what is happening in her life. I WILL trust Him to do what is best. He is aware of my sorrow and frustration. I trust Him to see me through these dark days. He knew what He was doing when He moved us to California so many years ago. I believe I am in His will.

Another song just started playing as I am typing this. It is in the player at the bottom of my blog. Darwin Hobbs is singing "Free." As I listen, I am encouraged. This song has been a HUGE blessing to me for the last month. One of these days, I WILL be free from my past, from the temptations of sin, from the sorrow that comes with the passing of a loved one. Free from the guilt that I heap on myself for not being "good enough", not calling often enough, not visiting like I wanted, for opportunities that I did not take and now are no longer available to me, for words quickly spoken, anger spent without thought, and choices I made that were detrimental to my soul and to the souls of others. Free, I want to be free to dance on streets of gold, at the feet of my savior, singing His praises for eternity. I can't wait to be FREE!

My grandmother will soon experience this freedom. I asked her to tell Jesus that I am trying my best to make Heaven. One day soon, she will be reunited with my Pawpaw and together they will be FREE to dance, FREE from pain, FREE from heartache, FREE from sin, FREE for ETERNITY!

So...I won't complain....