Friday, February 27, 2009

Good Days and Bad Days

The past few days have been difficult, sad days as we have heard more about my Grandmother's illness. My sister and I are dealing with self-recriminations over lack of constant contact with Granny and with a little anger of the fact that we are in California, she is in Arkansas; we have not been moneyed enough to buy tickets for our whole families to regularly visit her; and we are jealous of our cousins who ARE close enough to visit with her. After an intense conversation with my sister this morning and feeling sad because I had gotten to talk with my Grandmother but my sister hasn't, I was walking across the campus parking lot on my way to Algebra when I heard music coming from one of the vehicles. What was so neat about that?

Then I heard the words..."I've had some good days and I've had some hills to climb. I've had some weary days and some lonely nights. But when I look around and I think things all out, all of my good days outweigh the bad days. I won't complain" Immediately, I knew God had allowed me to hear that to help remind me that He is in control and that He loves me. I started crying and called my sister to share the moment with her.
I wanted to stand there in the middle of a parking lot, while tears streamed down my face, and just listen. I didn't have to though because I know the words of the chorus: "God is so good to me. So very good to me. More than this world could ever be. God is so good, I won't complain." This has been a song that has blessed me more times than I can count yet here I was complaining and focusing on the problems I faced.

I am truly blessed today. God is SO good to me. He loves my grandmother and knows what is happening in her life. I WILL trust Him to do what is best. He is aware of my sorrow and frustration. I trust Him to see me through these dark days. He knew what He was doing when He moved us to California so many years ago. I believe I am in His will.

Another song just started playing as I am typing this. It is in the player at the bottom of my blog. Darwin Hobbs is singing "Free." As I listen, I am encouraged. This song has been a HUGE blessing to me for the last month. One of these days, I WILL be free from my past, from the temptations of sin, from the sorrow that comes with the passing of a loved one. Free from the guilt that I heap on myself for not being "good enough", not calling often enough, not visiting like I wanted, for opportunities that I did not take and now are no longer available to me, for words quickly spoken, anger spent without thought, and choices I made that were detrimental to my soul and to the souls of others. Free, I want to be free to dance on streets of gold, at the feet of my savior, singing His praises for eternity. I can't wait to be FREE!

My grandmother will soon experience this freedom. I asked her to tell Jesus that I am trying my best to make Heaven. One day soon, she will be reunited with my Pawpaw and together they will be FREE to dance, FREE from pain, FREE from heartache, FREE from sin, FREE for ETERNITY!

So...I won't complain....